Yesterday I fell down the EP rabbit hole. Felt awful. I knew what was happening and it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to feel that way, my fight parts were done. And then, I forced myself to go workout.
I absolutely love strength training. More than team sports I really enjoy the feeling of progressively getting stronger week by week. And I know there’s a lot of negativity about CrossFit specifically and some of the criticisms are totally fair. But, I do enjoy intensity of the workouts because it requires all of me to be present. I have to be singularly focused and connect with my body in a way I never do in everyday life. Something like that is really important for someone like me.
One of things I need to get better about is explaining to my parts, particularly wolf, that I’m doing it for her – for them. Because I am. I know that exercise has such an important role in keeping me functioning, in changing brain chemistry, in helping my body and mind feel capable. I know I’m not in perfect shape but I don’t really give a fuck. Yesterday I hit a PR on a squat-clean/overhead push-jerk at just about 100lb and I felt like I could have done more – yay I can now overhead press my niece. lol I am excited about seeing how far I can go.
But the thing that struck me is that in the middle of my first working set… I was standing there holding the bar about to initiate a squat and… stars. In my peripheral vision appeared colorful lights. I have gotten these since I was a teenager but never really paid attention because they weren’t always related to migraines and lasted a really short time and were mostly a harmless curiosity. It wasn’t until many many years later that I realized they were likely related or might even be silent migraines themselves (at this point my migraines had grown in intensity which is why I began to wonder – also did I mention, working out consistently means I get far fewer migraines?). So the visual here is as close as I can quickly replicate what i see. It looks like tiny colorful confetti that are twinkling and moving inward. I didn’t represent the holographic/twinkle look to them but you get the point. Super weird right? It only ever lasts like 5-30 seconds .. maybe a minute at most and can sometimes accompany a headache, or be predictive of one, but definitely not always.
The last time I remember seeing stars I was waiting in an urgent care office because I had the stomach flu for about a week. And now I’m starting to wonder if migraines/headaches/stars are related to switches at all. I have a feeling they’re def. correlated to stress. So back to yesterday’s story.
I was standing there, weight bar in hand, waiting for the stars to go away (only took about 15 seconds this time) and I went ahead and started my set, finished up, and set the bar down.
It felt good. Really good.
My legs are way stronger than they were when I started back in October. As I took in that satisfying feeling…I looked up for a moment around the gym, taking it in. My physical therapists office is there, Jason is the doctor I work with, and I saw him working with a patient across the room. Jason is crazy smart, infinitely curious, and loves to hear about my job as I work through my exercises (wrapping up rehab on knee/calf). Josh is the head trainer who does most of my classes and he’s so freaking passionate about fitness I love seeing his excitement and the way he leads classes and still manages to give care to individuals. Madison stood in the back cheering folks on, the general manager/theatre major with a killer bod lol. She’s hilarious and always says hi to me. Even the ladies who were putting in effort around me, all working towards lifting heavy, of all shapes and sizes, getting to know them a little better has made me feel at ease there.
Looking around I started to feel that sense of togetherness that has often been missing in a lifetime filled with experiences of feeling “othered”. There’s still room to grow these connections, but these people, this community, has really made me feel at home as I’ve both struggled and grown in my personal life and in the gym. For this brief moment as people were working out around me… I felt pure gratitude and love for the sense of “home” I felt in that room. I almost cried standing there. The heavy dense fog of despair and sadness and hopelessness I was trapped in earlier that day lifted and I was suddenly not there anymore. I was appreciative and happy and hopeful. Part of me wonders if maybe those stars… that was the switch. That was another part of me rotating in and the others rotating out.
The rest of the evening was nice. I went to dinner with R and we had a couple drinks, I had a really nice bubble bath to sooth my wearied muscles and went to sleep feeling pretty good – way better than earlier. I’m still figuring this shit out. Still trying to identify triggers and signs to understand myself better. But add this to the list of possible signs that things are shifting inside. That or there’s something seriously wrong with my brain. Meh, what’s new, mirite? lol